Terry and Judy Debate
Stephen R. Harrison (stephenr@silcom.com)
Tue, 01 Jul 1997 16:58:13 -0800
Being a psychiatrist, I was initially reluctant to put my two cents in on
the Terry/ Judy issue but I will relate the following personal story
that relates to some of the angry reactions of late on this list. .
I was at a silent meditation retreat for 15 days two years ago and
no speech or other communication was allowed. At the two day mark, I was
crusing along when my mind noted a rather loud scratching sound in front of
me. There she was, a young 20 year old woman wearing one of those high tek
sqeeky jackets rocking back and forth as she meditated. The sound of her
jacket ,fabric rubbing on fabric, was grating on me but especially so
after I noticed it. My anger grew. For four days I suffered in silence as I
began a slow boil." How inconsiderate" I thought. "How narcissistic!"" How
insensitive." Anger led to anger and I contemplated writing nasty notes
and sneaking it to her to inform her of the effect of her insensitivity.
More and more anger arose. I was consumed and whatever peace I had in mind
in attending this retreat was now long gone. And it was all her fault, so
compelling and seductive was my mind. And then, in a fortunate moment , I
suddenly realized that we had been forewarned at this particular retreat
that there would be major construction going on. I could hear the heavy
machinery, the dump trucks,the sounds of major demolition, the construction
bells as trucks backed up, hammering and even the sound of jackhammers. For
days and days these sounds were also present. Yet strangely enough, I
noted, none of these extremely loud sounds were disturbing to me at all.
It was instead this young woman and her subtle fabric that consumed me and
my mind .I must confess that I even caught my mind seeking the sound out .
I would think to myself: Oh yes ,,, where is that sound and sure enough, I
would hear it and my anger would pick up where I had left it. I will never
forget that moment of realization because after the realization , I
concluded that I was in fact not an innocent victom but an active
participant in the creation of my reactions and interpretations. I never
heard that sound again. Best lesson I ever learned!
So in conclusion: It takes two to generate angerin any given
relationship. At some level , we do have a choice at what we latch onto and
elect to respond to. And like my reaction to the fabric, we all get caught
in our responses. We don't have to personalize anything at all because in
reality anything anyone says about anyone on this list is probably pure
fiction as they don't really know you at all. And last but not least, it is
difficult to let go of pride and embarrassment and go back to work. I hope
both Judy and Terry stay and get back to work.
Stephen Harrison