Prediction for the year 2000
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Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions,
predictions are that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. Industry sources
say the deal had been in the works for nearly 1300 years, and at a recent
press conference expressed confidence that the matter will be finalized in
time for next December's festivities.
While details are not yet available, the overhead cost of having twelve
days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah becomes prohibitive for both
sides. By combining forces, it is expected that the world will enjoy
consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah,
which is the projected name for the new holiday.
There will of course be massive layoffs, with lords a-leaping and maids
a-milking most likely the hardest hit, but obviously a small price to pay,
in the words of one spokesman, for such a major advance. As part of the
conditions of the agreement so far established, the letters on the dreydl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating as "A
great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more
generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews
will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources
for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement during the last three
hundred years has been the question of whether Jewish children could leave
milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A
breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared Kosher. So
far all sides appear satisfied with this tentative resolution. A spokesman
for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might
not be in the works as well. He did however point out that, were it not
for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and
Chanukah might run into trouble as an unfair cornering of the holiday
market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to
maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by
leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."
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